Seeing Isn't Always Believing
by inspired85
Summary: Being alone for a century was seriously starting to take its toll on Edward. Alice has a vision that gives him hope of finding true happiness. Then something happens, alices visions conflict with each other, casting a shadowy gloom over his happiness
1. Chapter 1  Prologue

**A/N: Right guys this is not only my first ever fanfiction but it is the first story I have ever written.**

**After much encouragement from my newly acquired (and did I mention totally awesome?) beta Ashley - Ms. Skittles - and my new found friend Saritadreaming, who is an amazing writer, I have decided to bite the bullet and publish a story on here. So a big thank you goes out to you guys, without your encouragement and support this story would never have happened so this is dedicated to you!!**

**I'm releasing the prologue now, although the next few chapters are underway, to wet your appetites. I hope you enjoy it and please remember, be gentle with me its my first time. ;o)**

Prologue

_I wandered aimlessly through the backstreets of Port Angeles scouring the minds of those around me, looking for any evil thoughts lurking behind their exterior. _

_This was how I spent a lot of my time. It was, I thought in my own twisted way, my one shot at redemption. It was the only way I could find any semblance of peace, of hope, that I wasn't the base, vile monster I had considered myself to be. _

_Clearing the streets of what the real world deemed as monsters, the scumbags who prey on the weak, leaving trails of destruction and hurt in their wake, was the last shred of hope that I had to cling to. Preventing these animals from the crimes they liked to commit was what kept me sane._

_I continued to pluck thoughts out of the minds of those around me and, after finding nothing widened my circle, searching for the villainous creatures that I knew were lurking out there somewhere. I'd been searching for a while now and had found nothing. Maybe tonight, there was no evil out there waiting to pounce on its unsuspecting victim. _

_My head whipped up._

_The smell of blood assaulted me as I breathed in deeply. It was like no other I had smelt before, it was intoxicating. It was like a sucker punch to my stomach, it nearly crippled me, causing me to stop dead in my tracks. It had the sweetest, most delectable aroma I had ever smelt. _

_Venom pooled under my tongue, coating my razor sharp teeth as a feral growl erupted from somewhere deep inside me. Nothing could have prepared me for the burning flames that engulfed my throat, threatening to consume me. Not even the century I had spent immunising myself from the potency of human blood with my vegetarian diet. _

_Instinct took over, the desire to taste the sweet nectar that pulsed somewhere nearby devoured me. I didn't even look around to make sure that nobody was watching. With inhuman speed I sought out the source of my desire knowing that I had to imbibe the blood of whoever it was. _

_I was coming closer, the scent overpowering me as I neared it. Its potency transformed me into the vile animal that I knew was in there, but that I had been suppressing for decades. Tired of pretending to be something I wasn't I chased down my prey, the thrill of the hunt coursing through my body, urging me on faster than I had ever gone before. _

_Niggling in the back of my mind was the guilt that would threaten to drown me afterwards at the pain I would cause my family but, in the here and now, I couldn't bring myself to care. Deep down I knew they would forgive me, the question was would I ever be able to forgive myself? In my haste to get to my prey I let this thought simmer away into nothing, all coherent thought lost to me now._

_Venom over spilled from my deep red, stone lips and the knowledge that I would soon drink the most delicious blood I had ever come across only urged me further, closer to the unsuspecting victim._

_I was finally there. _

_The crumpled body of a girl laid face down, broken and bleeding, the bouquet of the blood ravaged me so intently, my body poised ready to strike._

_With one final, swift movement I was there, next to the body that housed the most desirable elixir. I had to taste it. With the speed and gracefulness that only my kind possessed I spun her over, blood spilling down her cheek as I did so. I tilted her head back, exposing the creamy pale skin of her neck to me. _

_The crushing fire licked at my insides insistently, I was so focused on the target of my desire that I didn't even stop to notice the face of the broken body that lay in my arms. I dragged my steely teeth across her neck, threatening to pierce the soft skin that yielded to my touch. I flicked my tongue out to taste the blood that continued to drip down the face of the fragile human, swirling my tongue in the delicious juice that seeped from her, groaning as it forced me into sensory overload._

_Adding pressure over the artery that pulsed under my tongue, my razor sharp teeth sank into the blissful haven that awaited me. Mmm...It tasted so good. Her blood tasted better than I ever thought possible. The crimson red blood passed through my mouth, my venom edging its way closer to her heart, when the girl in my arms mumbled something indiscernible. I froze, listening intently to the mumbling sounds that escaped her lips, as my tongue snaked out to lick up the droplets that continued to pour from her wound. _

"_Help me...save me..."_

_For the second time tonight my head whipped up. That voice, I recognised it. The burn in my throat still raged but something else took over. Out burning the desire for her blood was something unintelligible. _

_I pushed back the veil of dark mahogany hair that cascaded over her face and I felt my whole body become rigid from the struggle it took me not to consume anymore of her sweet, sweet blood. My eyes raked over the features of the girl that was crushed to my marble chest and waves of disgust shook my body, repulsed at what I had succumbed to._

_Here, in my arms was the face that had haunted me, plaguing my every waking moment. Which, being a vampire, was every minute of every day. _

_It was her!!! The girl!_

My eyes shot up to where Alice sat, glassy eyed, across from me. As the images of her voyeuristic vision flashed through her mind I picked them out of her thoughts. I dropped to my knees, doubled over in agony.

"No" the tortured howl of pain ripped through my body!

The agony of my screams dragged Alice out of her reverie, her eyes refocused and locked onto mine.

"No Edward", her whisper would have passed unheard by human ears.

"Alice...I-I...what did I do?" my voice echoed her hushed tones as the strangled sound escaped my lips.

"You bit her. She... you killed her. " she mouthed at me, the features of her perfect pixie face twisted in agony.

An earth shattering sound tore at me from inside, trying to escape, causing shudders to ripple through my body as pain pressed down on me, suffocating me. I was rooted to the spot, unable to move as a throbbing ache ricocheted off every frozen plain of my insides enveloping me in anguish.

**A/N: So? What did you guys think? Hate it? Love it? Let me know - review, review, review please? Pretty please? Reviews will equal more chapters, faster! **


	2. Chapter 2  Conflictions

Seeing Isn't Always Believing -

Chapter 1 – Conflictions

**A/N: Just to let you know, in this story Edward and Bella haven't met yet. **

*****Contains lemons*****

EPOV

*

*

Alice's visions had always been seen as a blessing in this family. Being able to see the future of those you cherish, the ones dearest to you, being able to protect them from the dangers that lay ahead, was the one thing that we relied on. A lot.

Alice's gift had always proved to be a God send. Making decisions with the knowledge of their outcome allowed us to navigate ourselves out of danger's path, alerting us to any problems or difficult situations. They say hindsight is a gift but now, in the space of a breath, after just one vision, it had become an evil weapon of destruction, tearing away any last scrap of hope that I had clung to. This hope that had been my life line, keeping me afloat until she came, had been the one thing keeping me going. Now the remnants of my hope lay tattered and in shreds, gone with the wind. In one fell swoop fate had come and snatched it from me, depriving me of my one and only reason for being.

All it took was one vision, thirty seconds, to rip my world out from underneath me. The dormant monster in me had resurfaced and, in the most despicable moment of my existence, swiped away my one shot of true happiness with his predatory malevolence.

It seems ironic now that the one thing that had given me hope was also the same thing that destroyed it, rescinding the first of Alice's visions of me in a meadow with the most stunning creature I had ever had the pleasure of coming across. To wave the offer of heaven right under my nose, teasing me with the most delicious promise, only to snatch it away and replace it with hell was in a way, even worse than not having it all. It kills me, smoldering away at me slowly, torturing me agonizingly. I used to consider immortality a fate worse than death, but this, this is a thousand times worse, knowing what I am going to be without.

Since that fateful day when my personal paradise was obliterated confusion has hovered around me like a bad stench. I couldn't comprehend the reason behind the conflicting visions and this just succeeded in confusing me further. My mind wasn't restricted by the same barriers as mortals, it stretched on infinitely, yet still I couldn't get to grips with what I had seen.

The visions were always the same, never changing, but how could they be? How could they be so far apart, so different, yet both still are true? The different emotions that each vision brought with them were pulling me apart from the inside out, taunting me with their inconsistencies, laughing at me as they pulled me in two, tugging each piece in opposite directions. One half of me was torn in anguish at my impending loss and the other half was full of excitement and anticipation at the thought of her imminent arrival.

The visions can't be right. Maybe Alice isn't as infallible as we all thought after all. Maybe her visions are flawed, lying to her, tricking her, and me, in the process. But this was Alice, her visions were faultless, she never got it wrong. Sometimes when she didn't have the whole picture, like some of the puzzle pieces were missing, then her vision could be misunderstood. They were never wrong. Never. Deep down I knew they had to be real. There was no way that a girl as beautiful as her didn't exist somewhere in this God forsaken universe. She had to exist. And I knew that she existed only for me. She was my savior, my one saving grace, in this bleak existence that I'm sentenced to endure.

Once again confusion piled on top of me, burying me under it, stifling me until I struggled to breathe. I lay there thinking, my thoughts revolving round and round, spinning my head faster and faster like I was on a merry-go-round that had gotten out of control. They span so fast, making me giddy, so much so that my body screamed for it to stop, to let me off, before my mind exploded from the pressure.

My thoughts drifted back to the visions wondering which one was true. My thoughts had gone full circle. I went back to the beginning, powerless to push the thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't stop myself from thinking them and if I'm honest, I didn't want to. It was the only way I could be close to her; my body ached to know her. I knew that without her my life, or whatever it was that I lead, would be over.

The visions continued to project onto the inside of my mind, like a movie stuck on constant replay. The exponential capacity of my mind was just another form of torture that I had to suffer. Never could I forget the images that were now seared into my memory, they were embedded deep in the soul of my being, marking their territory, claiming me as theirs.

I couldn't fathom how, or why, I lost her before I even found her. Maybe it was my punishment, my eternal damnation. It was bittersweet to know, but never truly feel, the zing of electricity that sparked and thrummed in the air around me, whenever she was near. The frustration of never actually feeling the soft expanse of her warm flesh on my unyielding, hardened skin shrouded me in flames. A cloud of misery settled itself over me, obscuring my thoughts, as my mind was once again full of her.

Never would I get to experience the delicacy and ripeness of her rosebud lips on mine. This thought fuelled the fire that raged and burned inside me further, threatening to overpower and consume my very core. It suffocated me. I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was drowning, drowning in the darkness that her absence from my life had created.

The inner turmoil was inescapable; it was always there, bubbling under the surface, ready to spill out. I couldn't suppress it. I didn't want to. It was what I deserved. I was responsible for the death of the most singularly unique being in the universe, or at least I would be. I didn't even know her yet and already I knew that fate was going to step in, thrusting her into my path, and forcing my hand.

I knew I couldn't resist her. I wouldn't be able to. Her blood sang to me, even now remembering the vision and thinking about the luscious mouth-watering scent that exuded from this divine creature overwhelmed me, causing excess venom to seep steadily into my mouth. It made me so thirsty; my throat parched and the burn was ignited. But I had to at least try and resist. Didn't I?

This was the girl that Alice said was my destiny. Without her I could not exist. I would be doomed to live in a state of purgatory, trapped in limbo between the world of the living and the dead. I had spent the last century roaming this desolate place. My life was empty, in a constant state of winter. She was my sun, erasing the darkness, and without her I had nothing.

Every day I see the happiness that my family have found in their respective mates. Only their happiness isn't contagious, it doesn't spread through me like wild fire, it ostracizes me, making me feel like an outcast. This only adds to the depths of my loneliness. My loneliness is the worst kind, it's internal. I could be surrounded by hundreds of people and rather than comforting me it would heighten the sense of loneliness that crushes me.

My families love isn't enough to drag me out of my pit of despair, it's not the same. It just highlighted the love that was missing, that would remain that way for eternity. I used to welcome their love but now I just resent it. I love them, truly I do, and without them I would never have made it this far but how long can I continue to be alone. I can no longer just exist, especially knowing that my reason for living was going to be taken from me.

My suffering was increased tenfold with the knowledge that I was the one who would destroy my future. In a moment of weakness, destroying everything I had worked to achieve, I would take away my reason for living. My own self-loathing encompasses me, knowing that I am my own worst enemy.

I had doubted that I would even find her, that she even existed. If I hadn't seen the first of Alice's visions for myself I wouldn't have even believed that she was coming. The vision she had first was of me, in a glorious meadow full of wildflowers in every shade of purple. There I laid mingled into the violet blue mass of wildflowers that grew sporadically, causing everything to radiate a blue/green hue. It was a place where things grew and flourished, a place that lived and breathed life into everything that it surrounded much like how she breathed life into me. Entwined in my body was the loveliest of beings, so soft and fragile, her openness was heart rendering.

I laid there, my skin glistened, beams of sunlight dancing and refracting off every surface surrounding us in a multitude of rainbows. I would never have believed that I would ever achieve such a state of serenity and it was the presence of this human girl that had filled me with delight and contentment. Had my heart still been beating I know the sight of her would have stopped it in its tracks. I was constantly distracted by her, every thought I had was interrupted by the first of Alice's visions.

_Her beauty was staggering. It radiated from her, enveloping me in its embrace. I was like a deer trapped in headlights, I couldn't move. I was helpless, ensnared as her loveliness captivated me. _

_Her dark mahogany hair was spread out in waves around her like a halo, for that is what she was, my angel, my salvation. The breeze had blown stray curls across her face and my fingers ached to brush them away._

_I leant in towards her slowly, her eyes were closed but her body tensed, and I knew she could feel me descending down over her. My fingers trembled slightly as they edged toward the escaped tendrils and as they touched her silken tresses a gentle breeze blew and a mixture of freesias and strawberries wafted towards my nose and I couldn't stop myself from breathing her in._

_I could taste her mouth-watering scent in my mouth and I knew that I had to taste her fully. My thumb rubbed tenderly across her cheek. As our skin made contact, the electric current that surrounded us sparked, and her eyelids flashed open. The most heart piercing smile spread across her edible lips, her eyes were like deep pools of velvety chocolate, inviting me closer. _

_Her lips parted in sweet anticipation and her breathing grew ragged, coming out in short puffs of air. Her eagerness broke down the last of my barriers and my mouth captured hers, the feel of her soft lips against my hard marble ones created the most exquisite friction. I could hear her breath catch as our lips collided together in the tenderest of kisses. Lust and desire licked out their greedy hands and clawed at my control. All of a sudden she moaned against my lips and wriggled her body against me, and I was undone._

_I delved my hands into her hair at the nape of her neck, my ice cold skin touching her, causing her to shiver. I angled her head, arching her neck so I could trace kisses up and down her jaw line. This caused her to moan again and her heart rate accelerated even more. I found myself licking the spot where her pulse beat rapidly under her pale, translucent skin, suckling gently, placing loving kisses on her neck, and gently grazing her ear lobe between my acerbic teeth. I could smell her arousal and it drove me wild, my lips ached to taste her. _

_She wove her hands in the chaos of my bronze hair, pulling me closer. I dragged my lips upwards, claiming her swollen lips in mine. She flicked her tongue out tracing the length of my bottom lip before she pulled it in her mouth, sucking it, nipping me with her teeth. I let out a guttural moan and I had to have her._

"_Edward...I-I need you....please," her breathless request left me reeling. _

_I swiftly pulled her under me, relishing the feel of our bodies pressed together, touching from head to toe. My need for her was all consuming; it was all that filled my head. I pulled away from her gently, framing her tiny face in between my hands. I looked into the chocolaty depths of her eyes, seeing my own desire not only reflected but returned in hers. _

_My need for her was insatiable. I covered the face of my love in biting kisses, retreating further down her body placing kisses on every sensitive part of her. I kissed her collarbone, trailing kisses down further still until I reached the opening of her cornflower blue blouse. I tilted my head, resting just above her heart. It was beating at such a high speed and had my icy heart been capable of beating it would mirror hers exactly. I chose that moment to look up at her and she watched me with molten eyes. _

"_May I?" I indicated towards the buttons of her blouse, my breathing just as ragged as hers, requesting permission to remove the garments that separated her from me. _

"_Please..." she urged me, desperation colouring her voice, and that was all the encouragement I needed. With a quick swipe of my hand her blouse was crumpled in my fist leaving her soft flesh exposed. I continued my exploration of her body kissing down the centre, licking and tasting her skin. _

"_You're beautiful," I murmured against the supple skin of her flat stomach, in her shyness she blushed, and this just drove me further into oblivion. I continued my ministrations, kissing lower, my lips reached the top button of her pants and I couldn't stop myself from flicking my tongue under the waist band. This resulted in her body shuddering, increasing the scent of her arousal. I eased down her pants to reveal matching lacy panties and I swallowed a groan as my mouth gingerly kissed her inner thigh before turning my head to her centre and gently suckling her through the lace._

_I was rewarded with the flavor of her flowing juices; the taste was so exquisite making my hardness throb against her. I needed to feel her wetness around me. In a heartbeat my lips were on hers, her hands roaming all over me tracing the contours of my muscled chest under my shirt. In mere seconds I shed my clothes, pressing my nakedness on top of her gently so as not to crush her with my brute strength. I held my body above her gingerly and she squirmed against me melting my frozen insides. I stared into her eyes, drowning in their depths, needing to own her, needing to make her mine. I silently asked her for entry, willing her eyes to see my unspoken question._

"_Edward...please...I n-need you...now."_

_Edward._

_Edward._

_That's strange, _I thought. Hmmm. I looked back down at my angel trying to immerse myself into her...

_Edward_.

_Edward I know you can hear me and if you don't come down here right this minute...._

I was bought back down to earth with a crash. Alice's incessant thoughts snapped me out of my reverie. My dead heart plummeted back down into the icy depths of my soul.

Just thinking about our intimate encounter, that hadn't even happened yet and may never happen, was enough to make my breathing labored, coming in short raspy gasps. I could only imagine what it would feel like in reality to have her underneath me, writhing in ecstasy.

_Stop! _I chastised myself. Infuriated at how carried away I got over something that might not even happen for years and years to come. It might not come at all, but knowing the solidity of Alice's vision it was inevitable.

Just like me killing her was also inevitable. I couldn't grasp how, after feeling the love that radiated from us, I could ever harm her. It just didn't make sense. A sigh hissed out between my clenched teeth.

_Argh! Why torture yourself. Just relax breathe in and out, slowly, in and out. _I didn't physically need to breathe but focusing on something other than the perversity of my imagination, and the images that called to me, helped calm me.

_Edward Mason Cullen!_

I sat bolt upright on the leather couch that inhabits my room just as Alice charged in. I had sat here for hours wallowing in my impending grief; time slipped by like sand in an hourglass. Only my hour glass measured a much more infinite amount of time. It felt like an eternity. My life, no my existence, so far had slipped past me, evaded me.

Without her, my life was nothing. Empty. The only thing that kept me going was hope; the hope that one day she would enter my life like a beacon of light, illuminating the darkness that has me enclosed in its grip.

"I came to stop you from wallowing in self-pity," Alice tutted at me.

"I wasn't-"I tried to deny it but Alice cut me off.

"Don't lie to me Edward. Jasper could feel the torment and despair emanating from you from miles away." I rolled my eyes at her. There was no way to hide from my family, being a vampire effectively diminishes any possibility of secrecy, especially in a family such as this with hidden talents galore.

I remained silent, knowing that there was no point trying to lie to Alice. As she liked to point out, a lot, she knew me better than I knew myself. She thought this gave her the right to pass judgement on any and all things about me. The truth was that no matter how much I lied to myself, I couldn't lie to her. She saw straight through me and, believe me, this got irritating, very quickly.

"Edward, why don't you come with me and Jazz? We're going hunting. I figured seeing as we are starting a new school tomorrow it couldn't hurt to be prepared, right?"

The features of her petite pixie face drooped slightly. She was referring to the struggle that Jasper continued to inflict on himself. He was the newest 'vegetarian' and he found it more difficult than the rest of us.

It wasn't easy for any of us but with practice it got easier. Jasper however was still tempted by the scent of human blood so much so that, without the insight that our gifts gave us, he would have slipped up on numerous occasions.

I don't know why he continued to put so much pressure on himself. He knew what his limits were and rather than try and stretch them he should just accept them and work within his own boundaries. It was dangerous to leave it so long between hunts where Jasper was concerned and I couldn't comprehend why they continue to push him, experimenting as though it wasn't human lives that were in jeopardy.

"You're right Alice. Of course, it would be best all around if Jasper hunted. Heaven forbid he causes a scene on our very first day at a new school. We'd have to move before we even got settled and you know how much that would anger Rose." I sighed and kept my eyes fixed straight ahead, away from Alice's probing gaze.

"So, big brother, are you coming?"

Alice's question interrupted me and I looked at her quizzically, my eyebrows raised in question.

"Edward, please just come. It will be good for you to get out of here for a while; you know fresh air and all that." A hopeful smile tugged at her lips and I tried to return it but I know I failed miserably, that she saw through my false smile and into my deep depths of despair.

She turned away from me, stalking out of the room. She paused as she reached the doorway, spinning on her heels to face me. There was a sadness in her eyes that made me want to comfort my favorite little sister, but really it wasn't her that needed comforting. It was me.

"Edward, I wish you wouldn't torture yourself like this. It hurts all of us you know, seeing you like this, not being able to help. But have faith Edward. Have faith that she will come to you. Have faith that when the time comes you are strong enough to resist." Her voice faltered and I knew that this was hard for her too. She loved the girl too, not the profound kind of love that I felt for her, but a sisterly love, a treasured friendship.

I knew that when the time came, that when I stole her from this world with my weakness, it would not only shatter my frozen heart into a thousand tiny icicles but that the repercussions of this would hit the rest of my family like a tidal wave, destroying the bonds that we have worked hard to create. Not because they couldn't get over her death but because I wouldn't.

"How can I have faith," my voice came out in a screeching cry, like sandpaper scratching at my throat, "when I know that I'm going to kill her. The decision is already made...I...I don't know how to...You've seen it Alice, you know what I'm going to do. How can you tell me that there is hope? There is no hope!" A tortured growl fell from my lips as I sat there beseechingly, completely lost, not knowing what to do.

Alice was by my side in moments, pulling me into the circle of her stone cold arms, soothing me with calming whispers, chanting a mantra, It's going to be okay...shh...shh...it will be okay, as she rocked me back and forth like a parent comforting a child.

I found no solace in her arms, they only hastened to remind me of another's who should be wrapped around me. I lay there for what seemed like an eternity, destroyed. I was a broken man and only she had the power to heal me.

Knowing that I was keeping her from Jasper and their hunt I managed to grab hold of myself enough to fix a mask over my pained features.

"Go Alice. Jasper needs you. Please, I'm fine. I'm going to be okay. I just need some time. That's all." My lips wavered as a faint smile toyed with them before relinquishing its hold, causing them to form a taut line once again.

Alice bowed her head slightly in resignation then with a final squeeze of my shoulder she was gone, moving through the house like a ghost in the night.


	3. Chapter 3

Seeing Isn't Always Believing.

Chapter 2 - De-ja-vu

**BPOV**

*****

*****

_Seriously, what did he think gave him the right? God!_ So he was my boyfriend, so what? Did that mean he owned me? Ach, an exasperated sigh whistled through my parted lips as I hurried through the small streets of Port Angeles, away from Bella Italia and away from Mike Newton.

Since I had moved to the rainy town of Forks when I was twelve, I had tried to stay away from boys. No good could ever come from them and they were one hassle I could definitely do without. I had managed to hold out for nearly four years, shying away from attention of any kind, but it seemed the more I held back the more they were interested. I became an enigma, something exciting to them.

That was something I didn't want to be so I decided that the best way to pass unnoticed was to mingle in. Be one of the in-crowd. So I started socialising more, accepting invites to parties, becoming just another cognitive wheel in the world that was high school.

The more popular I became the less people were interested in the real me. They were only interested in the giggly, slightly ditzy Bella. I couldn't believe I had managed to pull this facade off, I had been here for two years, meek and boring, and then one day I miraculously turned into the most popular girl in the school. It amazed me that people didn't find this behaviour strange, but to me it just seemed like nobody was interested in the real you, just the fake you. It was easier for them to accept; in reality they just couldn't understand the real Bella Swan.

Anyway, I was fine with that. I didn't want people to know who I really was, that way nobody had any control or power over me and if they didn't know me they couldn't hurt me. Right? I didn't want to make any real emotional ties with anyone here. I just wanted to do my time, graduate, and high tail it out of here. I hated forks, it was wet and cold and it made me long for the scorching Phoenix sun. It made me long for the days when my Mom was still here before fate decided to step in and take her away from me and stick me in this dark and dingy town.

The five years I had already spent here in Forks had passed by me in a numb daze. The pain after my Mom died had acted as a type of anaesthesia hovering over me, disconnecting me from myself. It sometimes felt like my mind had been cut loose from my body. I had become two separate entities. There was my physical self and then there was the real me, a separate being, yet still tenuously connected by a piece of flimsy string as though my inner self was tied to my wrist bobbing in the air like a helium balloon. I was broken into two pieces; the real me, the one hidden from everyone, and the pretend me that acted as a mask, shielding me from the harsh reality.

The only people here that meant anything to me, that were even remotely worth keeping in my life, were Charlie, my dad, and Angela. And then there was Jacob. He was the person who knew me most. I mean the real me. He was the one who had been by my side since I moved here, supporting me through the hardest times of my life. He banished all of the evil darkness that infiltrated my soul after my Mom died. I don't know how I would have survived without him. When I was with him it felt like I was almost fixed, it was as though the two pieces of Bella Swan were sewn haphazardly back together. I was almost as good as new. Almost. Jake was my one true friend, the only person on the entire planet that even knew who Bella Swan was. I mean really knew her.

Yet I still distanced myself from them, trying to protect my mind from any real emotional connection. If people ever looked deep enough, which with the exception of Jake they didn't, they would know that they don't really know me at all. Not even close. To them, I was Bella Swan, the carefree bouncy brunette whose biggest problem was where to go on date night. I'd been 'going steady' with Mike Newton, the star basketball player at Forks High School, for almost two years. He was another smoke screen for me to hide behind. I wasn't even the fake me anymore I was just Mike's girlfriend.

The longer I was with him the further the real me sank into the cavernous abyss that I used to hide in from the world. I was absolutely fine with that but sometimes I felt like I was losing myself, like I had lived a lie for so long that I didn't even know who I was anymore. The lines between my two selves had blurred and smudged into one somewhere along the way and, if I'm honest with myself I was lost, and I was beginning to wonder if I would ever truly be able to find myself.

I was getting tired. Tired of pretending to be something I wasn't. I spent the majority of my days wishing for someone to come and rescue me, to whisk me away from my dull life. It was lonely living in a world where no one knows who you are and sometimes my loneliness suffocated me and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

As my thoughts whirred around in my head I recalled the events of my date with Mike. Eugh! The mention of Mike sent a renewed wave of rage washing over me and clinging to every fibre of my being. Today was the last day of the holidays before school began and Mike had decided that we should go out to commemorate our last day of freedom. My last day of freedom was over five years ago. It had disappeared the day I came here, imprisoned by this dreary town.

Only minutes ago we had sat across from each other at our usual table at Bella Italia, one of the only restaurants in this suffocating place, when Mike had decided to tackle the question of the progression of our relationship, or the lack of it should I say. This topic was something he broached regularly and was the source of many arguments for us. It was beginning to get really tedious, much like everything else around here, pretty quickly. I didn't know how much longer I could do this. I was so tired, tired of pretending to be something I wasn't.

As Mike had interrogated me with his probing questions of when we could go past second base I had become irate. He hammered away at my self control with his relentless questions and barraged me with whiny pleas telling me how much he loved me. He told me that if I loved him then I should want to take our relationship further, to please him. At that I almost choked on my soda as I spluttered out my reply, furious.

I had pushed my chair back, scraping it noisily against the floor, before telling him that in no uncertain terms could he pressure me into sex. I had twisted his own words and threw them back in his face informing him that if he loved me then he would wait! That I wasn't ready and if he couldn't understand that then maybe we just weren't right for each other. As I had stormed away from him he retorted with a comment that hit home, but cut deep never the less. _You're such an ice maiden! You're like a block of ice, frigid bitch!_

He was right. I was like a block of ice, frozen. I was trapped in my own personal hell, stuck here forever in limbo between the living and the dead. Although I was alive here, living, breathing, I was dead inside. This place, the people, always pretending to be something I wasn't, someone I wasn't. I just wanted to be me, the real Bella Swan, but this place, this town just repressed her. It felt like the real me was cocooned somewhere far away, wrapped up in warm fuzzy cotton wool, as life just passed her by.

I was tired of pretending. I wanted someone to come and rescue me, to force me back into the real world, into existence. If nobody came then I would be forced to live this half life, continuing with this charade.

I froze.

I looked around me and realised that I had wandered into the rough side of town. _How did that happen?_ I rebuked myself. I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I had managed to ramble aimlessly around the now darkened streets of Port Angeles and I now had no idea where I was. Great.

I looked around slowly, trying to get a hold of my bearings. I looked for a sign post that would alert me as to which way to go. There was nothing distinguishing, nothing. I was completely and utterly lost. I reached into my bag to get out my cell and came up empty. _Shoot._ I must have left it back in the restaurant.

I didn't want to go back and face Mike but I had to get my cell. I needed to call Charlie to come get me. I started to retrace my steps, leading me back towards Bella Italia and towards the storm that was no doubt brewing.

I was so engrossed in my annoyance at having gotten myself lost that at first I didn't notice the sounds of footsteps coming from behind me. Initially it sounded like the echo resonating off the pavement from my own clumsy footsteps. But as I listened harder I realised that it wasn't the sound of my own steps reverberating off the sidewalk, it was someone else. They matched my pace exactly, not coming any closer but not increasing the distance either.

My heart started beating so rapidly in my chest that I wouldn't have been surprised if my pursuer could hear it. I picked up my pace, now hurrying towards the safety of the restaurant, praying that Mike and my cell were still there.

I heard the person behind me increase their pace also and I began to tremble as fear invaded my body. It was all I could do not to break into a run. I knew that wouldn't help though, my clumsiness would kick in and I would probably end up tripping over my own feet.

I remembered the can of pepper spray that lay mingled with the other contents at the bottom of my bag, forgotten. I searched around inside, trying to do so nonchalantly so as not to attract the attention of my newly acquired stalker. My hand connected with the metallic canister and I clenched my fist around it tightly.

The footsteps approached faster and I spun around on my heels furiously, preparing myself for my fate.

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**EPOV **

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Alice was right, I did need to hunt, just not the kind she meant. I couldn't be left alone with my treacherous thoughts any longer; they were battling with my sanity and winning. I ran at full speed through the forest behind our house, the wind whipping past me at bullet speed as I chased down the miles that lay between me and my destination.

The speed was one of the only things I loved about being a vampire. When I ran I felt exhilarated, it was like it cleansed me of the impurities that claimed my soul, if I even had one, which I don't.

I slowed down as I neared the small town of Port Angeles, so as not to be noticed, until I was at human walking speed. Ugh, they did everything so slowly. I walked through the labyrinth of darkened back streets and twisting alleys, scouring the minds of those around me for anything untoward.

This was how I spent a lot of my time, searching for the scum that inflicted their warped fantasies on weak and unsuspecting victims. I tried to clear the streets of this little town of the criminals that infiltrated it with their monstrous presence.

This was the only thing that brought me hope. I saw it as my one shot at redemption and I often thought it ironic that, considering I was the vilest of creatures to inhabit this place, that my suffering was mildly appeased by singling out a different type of monster. In reality, I was the biggest monster out there, the one with the capacity for absolute destruction. I was desperately trying to clear the streets of the vermin that infested them, but in reality, it was me that needed exterminating.

I was lost deep in thought, both mine and those around me, so much so that I didn't pick up on the sense of de-ja-vu that percolated deep in my subconscious. It was hiding from me, waiting to sneak up on me so it could engulf me in its vice-like grip, coercing me towards the spirally depths of hell that reserved a special space for me.

As I continued to filch the thoughts of those around me I found nothing unseemly. I widened my circle, searching further afield for the lurking villainous creatures I knew were out there. It looked like tonight was going to be a quiet night on the scumbag front.

_Hmm. Weird, _I thought as I penetrated the minds that lurked further afield. I thought I recognised the thoughts, they sounded vaguely familiar. I know that the thoughts of humans were nondescript; the mundane quality of them was often mind-numbing, but this was different. It was like I had heard these exact same thoughts before. My defences were hackled and I paused momentarily.

I shrugged and continued my exploration, seeking out the inner voices. The incessant murmur that filled my head dispelled my trepidation and lulled me into a false sense of protection. I put the snaking feeling of de-ja-vu down to human's lack of original thought.

Coming up empty handed form my search I decided to head home. As I turned, preparing to retrace my steps back home, the wind picked up and wafted a chilling breeze in my face.

My head whipped up.

I breathed in deeply and was greeted with the most poignant aroma. It clawed away at my self control, ripping it to shreds in the space of a heartbeat. The sickly sweet smell of human blood penetrated through all my barriers of defence, rooting me to the spot.

The fragrant scent was so pungent, assailing my weakened control, commanding the beast within me to awaken. My mouth was saturated with venom as it pooled under my tongue, coating my razor sharp teeth with its bitterness. The fire in the back of my throat raged, proliferated by the sparks of desire that licked at me greedily. My hand rose to my throat, trying to alleviate the smouldering burn that threatened to break me.

The smell of blood continued to assault me, battering away at my sanity and I had to taste it, regardless of the cost. I sprinted towards the source, overpowered by its requisite song. It taunted me with its potency, singing to me with its goading cries, ridiculing my will power.

The fragrant liquid that pumped somewhere nearby chased away all coherent thought from my mind, banishing them to some hidden region in my mind. The animal in me had been unleashed, set free from its restricting cage to wreak havoc on the world as I relinquished all power to the insatiable monster from within.

A/N: Ok guys what did you think?? Sorry if these past chapters have seemed a bit slow paced but I needed to get the background story out. From here on in it will be action/dialogue/sweet, sweet, juicy lemons - oh yes! Haha.

Hope you liked it. Please review - I am a review whore - nothing makes me happier or write faster. As an added incentive to review the best review will be rewarded with a specail teaser. ;o) So hit the green button and review! Thanks lovelies!


	4. Chapter 4  Controlling Fate

**A/N: I'm back guys. Sorry it has taken soooooo long to update this but real life has been a bitch to me and has had me in one hell of a choke hold. It is safe to say (for now at least) that RL has decided to calm the fuck down and let me breathe long enough to write some more. So here is the next chapter - although I'm sure by now you have all forgotten what has happened before - so feel free to re-read the previous chapters again. LOL. **

**This comes to you unbeta'd so I apologise for any and all mistakes ;op This is a short chapter so again sorry for that too! **

**Enjoy! xx**

**Chapter 3 – Controlling Fate.**

EPOV

It was close. My mouth continued to water as fresh waves of venom seeped through every porous crevice. I was no longer accountable for my own actions as the hungry thirst of the monster enslaved me, seizing me, holding me hostage.

I turned the corner and found myself at the entrance of heaven. There, face down on the floor in a crumpled heap, was the body that housed the sweetest nectar I had ever happened to stumble across, broken and bleeding, beckoning me closer.

Somewhere, nestled deep in my subconscious, my voice of reason screamed at me to stop, urging me to recognise this oh so familiar image that was attaching itself to the niggling thoughts of my inner voice, but my internal beast snarled at it, slashing at it ferociously, diminishing it to an untrodden region of my subliminal mind.

My body was poised in a low crouch ready to launch itself into blissful rhapsody. I was overpowered by my burning thirst and the only thing that mattered was the red, sticky liquid oozing from the girls head. I swiped at my face as my subconscious voice reared its ugly head once more, niggling at me, imploring the inner brute to listen, as if I could physically knock it out. I was angered at its persistence and tried harder to block it out.

With alacrity I lunged forward towards the girl, my eyes locked securely on their target, and in less than a second I hovered over her. My hands gripped her body and turned her over, tilting back her head abruptly, causing blood to trickle from the wound on her head and down her face. Her dark mahogany hair had begun to dry in clumps around the deep laceration, caked in blood.

My inner monster laughed demonically in triumph as my tongue snaked out to taste the blood. The crimson droplets clung to my tongue like Velcro, coating it in its sweet warmth. A guttural grown sought escape from my lips as the fire in my throat blazed. The taste of her blood was like an accelerant, accentuating and amplifying the flames that ate away at me internally, acting like a wrecking ball demolishing any remaining remnants of my self control.

Goaded on by the monster rejoicing within I bent down slowly, savouring this moment, relishing the salty, coppery taste of her in my mouth. Her blood was like a sacrificial lamb, offering itself to me. As I leaned in closer the voice of my subconscious broke through the snarling beast once more. I tried to block it out but I couldn't. It was screaming at me so loud that, had I been human, it would have perforated my ear drums.

_Don't do it. Stop. It's her. Don't do it. You love her. You need her. Edward. Stop. _

The monstrous beast snarled louder, battling its way to the foreground but too much time had passed; my primal instinct was diluted with my returning sanity, stopping me in my tracks, like a deer caught in headlights. I listened intently to the voice inside my head as it reasoned with me, soothing me, calming the fire that licked incessantly at my insides.

"Help me...save me..." the body in my arms stirred and the melodic tone of her voice washed over me.

Realisation grasped at me with hungry fingertips. This is it. This is the vision. It's her, my love. It was too late though. It was too late to save her; my attempts were surely futile, because I had already tasted her. I couldn't stop the monster that was clawing its way up my throat, forcing me to destroy my own happiness. I felt like I had lost all control and, in actual fact, I had. There was nothing I could do. I had to drink it; to drain her body of every last drop until she lay lifeless, completely depleted. I wasn't strong enough to stop, the monster had escaped and I couldn't rein him in.

Panic consumed me as Alice's vision haunted me, taunting me with its images. It was too late. "I'm sorry," I whispered in her ear as I embraced the monster inside of me, conspiring against me, spurring me on to satiate my hunger. Regret, guilt and pain combined together and rolled off me in crimson waves as her blood enticed me in, tugging at me, urging me closer. I was powerless.

I closed the last of the gap between us, aware that I was about to end her life and mine in the process. This was it, the end of my hope. I grazed her neck with my teeth, seeking out the vein that pulsed hypnotically, calling to me with its melodious chords. She stirred, muttering unfathomably and the wind picked that moment to shift fractionally, reiterating the poignancy of her blood as it slapped me in the face and attacked my senses with ferocious velocity.

Somewhere far away I heard a howling scream, drenched in agony. Again I paused briefly, the voice sounded familiar.

_Noooooooo! Please. Don't._

My ears thundered with the sound. The heart-wrenching pleas wrapped around my frozen heart, constricting it with its icy fingers, threatening to shatter it into a thousand tiny shards. That voice, begging, tormented, the reason why it sounded so familiar assaulted every essence of me...The voice...It was mine.

The force of this knowledge hit me like a sledge hammer, stunning me into total acquiescence as the anguish of the cry resonated through me. The beastly snarls dissipated like scattered ashes in the wind as the monster was smothered into submission. The blasting inferno that raged with frenzy in my throat was doused, dwindling, until only glowing embers remained. The murky depths of my hunger were now inaugurated with something other than my overpowering thirst. It was no longer her blood that incapacitated me. It was my need for her.

The shift in me was infinitesimal. It was no longer her blood that sang to me, it was her, the idea of her, of what we could become together. An alien sensation tingled through my veins as the human inside me surfaced and took over.

The hope that I thought was lost only moments ago began to swell, cultivating as my self-control returned. Don't misunderstand how hard this is for me; understand that it took every ounce of power within me, every moment and experience of my one hundred and nine years to even begin to curb the frenzied demon that battled for escape.

It was as though I was splintered, fractioned into two separate entities; the good and the bad, the devil versus the angel. A monumental battle was being fought inside between the two halves of me and the only thing that allowed me to hold on to my hope was the power of Alice's vision.

Although my past is fixed my future isn't. The power to change our fate is held within our own hands and the knowledge of Alice's vision, seeing what my future could hold, has given me the power to take control and change my fate. I sat here with her broken body huddled in my arms for what felt like an eternity as this whole scene played out but in reality it had only been moments.

I brushed back the veil of mahogany hair that shielded her face from me. I couldn't move so struck was I by her beauty. It was as though she had cast a spell on me and I was forever ensconced in her magical hold.

Somewhere in the back of my head was a gentle voice urging me into action, pleading with me to act now before it was too late but I was in such a daze? I knew that time was running out, that if I wanted to save her I had to hurry but I couldn't connect my brain to my body.

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket dragging me out of my reverie. I looked at the illuminated screen as the caller I.D flashed at me. Alice. It took me a few seconds for my body to respond, the constant buzzing pulling me slowly back to the surface of reality.

I flipped open my cell and put it to me ear, unable to make my lips move.

"Edward...I saw her. She's coming. Today. You must..." Her voice dwindled into nothingness and I heard her gasp. Her silence roused me, finally allowing my brain to regain control of my body.

"Alice." My voice sounded strangled. "She's here. I have her. Please...help me." My voice was barely above a whisper as I pleaded with her to help me save her.

"Edward, I just saw you...and she...and you...tasted...," Alice's hushed tones were full of dread. "Did you...? Is she...?"

"Alice, no I didn't. I stopped. I-I... she's still alive, just. I have to hurry. Is Carlisle there?" My voice, filled with urgency, raised an octave.

"No he's at the hospital. Go Edward, quickly. There isn't much time. I Know you can save her, I believe in you."

As Alice's words surrounded me I looked back down towards my angel. Her breathing was shallow and her heartbeat was faint, beating weakly as her blood pulsed meekly through her body. Holding her frail body close I sped towards the hospital, towards Carlisle, towards my one chance of redemption.

**BPOV**

Pain struck at me with its thunderous whip, refusing to relinquish its hold on me. My thoughts whipped around in my head so quickly that it made me dizzy, I couldn't focus on anything but the pain. I groaned internally as I mentally roamed my body looking for the source of the searing agony that coursed through my body.

My whole body ached, leaving me groggy and barely conscious. The throbbing in my head was so intense. Maybe it was that that made it hard to think? It was as though the pain that flashed and flourished there acted as a barrier between my physical self and my mental self and any logical thought was held hostage by the blinding pain that held me captive.

I couldn't remember why I was hurting or where I was. Hell, I couldn't even remember who I was right now. All I knew was that I wanted it to stop, it had to stop. I just wanted it to go away, to release me from its strangling hold that it had on me. With every moment that passed the struggle to carry on breathing, to carry on living, became harder and harder. I couldn't care enough to try anymore than I cared to exist.

As my body fought for air flashing images projected on the inside of my eyelids, filling my mind with glimpses of my past and visions of my future, or at least what would have been my future. Some of the images were ones that I had battled to suppress from my past of my mom and Phil, even the thought of his name sent lightning bolts of menacing pain straight to my already-to-eager-to-surrender heart; the emotions it unleashed rivalled the physical pain my body was being subjected to and it was too much to bear.

These haunting images gave way to ones of the present, images of what had gotten me here in this state in the first place. The guy that had followed me, chased after me as I fled, had attacked me and left my mind and body reeling alike. Anger bubbled up inside me at this but quickly dissipated and gave way to prophetic images of the future that was fast slipping through my fingers.

I saw a vision of something so beautiful that my heart ached for it, flashes off bronze and butterscotch mingled in with a crooked smile and a sweet aroma of lavender and cinnamon made my heart sore and threaten to explode as ecstatic exultation washed over me in a calming breath.

Images of violet and purple wild flowers erupted inside my mind's eye and a voice like molten honey poured in my ear whispering words of adoration of love as an ice cold touch hovered over my heart. What was strange was that although whatever pressed itself upon me was frosty my whole body felt like it was on fire, engulfed by burning flames of desire.

I had no idea what this vision meant or what it was exactly but I knew that it was something that I had to cling onto for dear life. If everything in my life that I had endured and suffered through had any purpose at all then this had to be it surely? This feeling of calm serenity made every hurt I had ever been forced to endure worthwhile. How would I ever have been able to appreciate true happiness (and I'm pretty sure that that is what this is) if I hadn't also experienced true grief and sorrow?

My mind continued to spiral out of control, tossing me in its heady grasp, forcing me to make a choice; give up and quit fighting, to let my heart stop beating, or to hold on and cling to hope of a future filled with happiness, to encourage my heart to continue to beat.

All sense of time was lost to me at this point and I couldn't figure out how long I had been here, battling between states of consciousness. I didn't know whether I was dead or alive but I knew that I had to fight the urge to quit. I was not a quitter; I had never been one and refused to be one now. I just needed something to help me, something to keep me buoyant in the sea of torturing anguish that was and pounding at me with its frothing waves. I was drowning in the murky depths and my body was exhausted from wading through the crashing waves of pain that ripped through my body. I didn't want to give up but I didn't know how not to.

**E/N: Once again sorry for the wait! I am already working on the next chapter so shouldn't be too long a wait - defo no more than a week! Plus from here on in we get to see some Bella/Edward interaction and you all know what that equals...oh yes...sweet juicy lemons...yummy! Please review and let me know what you guys think and anything that you would like to see perhaps? **


	5. AN

Right guys – I firstly apologise sincerely for falling off the face of the earth but I have valid reasons (which I am not going to bore you with ). In a bid to attempt readers I am posting this as an A/N for my posted stories so far. I have finally come back to the world of fanfic – and have started a new story called The Shadow Walker so please read guys. I want to know what you all think and whether its worth continuing. So go and read my new story, review and renew my faith.

Thanks guys.

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